Friday, March 6, 2009

PORFLE VS. DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME

All the clocks in my house are still set for non-Daylight Saving Time because I hate Daylight Saving Time. Nobody tells PORFLE that the time is different just because they say it is--NOBODY. And I absolutely refuse to "spring forward." People say this as though they were little elves cutely frolicking around in a meadow. "Time to spring forward, everybody!" they cheerily titter with their fingers making little fluttery motions. "No, it's time for you to KISS MY ASS!" I respond. That's just the kind of person I am. Hardcore. Uncompromising. Insouciant.

So, I was sitting around eating a big bowl of ice cream and some of those yummy off-brand fig bars that look like Fig Newtons but are cheaper, and suddenly it occurred to me, "Oops! I missed my triple-bypass heart surgery! Oh well, who cares?" It's not my fault the rest of the country is stuck in this stupid Daylight Saving Time-warp. Those idiot surgeons down at the hospital might think it's three o'clock, but dammit, it's two o'clock. So I just blew off that dumb operation and guzzled another glass of delicious whole milk and smoked half a pack of cigarettes while watching Roy Rogers movies on TV.

I only watch DVDs and tapes on TV anyway, so I don't have to worry about programming schedules like other foolish mortals, ha ha. And it gets dark when it's supposed to around my house, instead of at nine or ten o'clock at night, which is just plain dumb. I can't understand why anyone would look out their window and think, "Well, it's the middle of the night, but it's still broad daylight outside. Yaaaay!"

I looked up "Daylight Saving Time" on Wikipedia and the first thing I saw was a picture of Benjamin Franklin. You know, the "early to bed, early to rise" guy. What a huge doofus. It's commonly believed that Franklin invented DST, but he didn't--he just proposed waking up Parisians an hour earlier every morning by shooting off cannons. I don't think he meant for the cannons to be shot directly at the Parisians, but I'll bet that would've woken them up, ha ha. Anyway, the picture of Benjamin Franklin that accompanies the article looks like my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Bagwell, so any worthless advice from this creepy-looking transvestite can be summarily dismissed.

The guy who actually proposed switching to DST was some chump named William Willett, who decided during one of his "pre-breakfast horseback rides" in 1905 that people were sleeping through "the best time of a summer day." Well, by all means, let's wind all the clocks forward because some fruity asshat on horseback doesn't want us to sleep late. The Wikipedia article states: "An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk." Oh my god, William "Chicken Head" Willett wants to get in a few extra holes, so let's drastically alter our entire system of time! There's a picture of this bald, spindly turdhead--probably thinking about the traumatic time that he was playing golf one day and it suddenly got dark--and the look on his smug pruneface just makes you want to kick him right in the balls. Twice.

Anyway, I like to brag to everyone else about how smart I am and how stupid they are for being on Daylight Stupid Time. "I'll pick you up at noon," they say, and I respond, "Okay, but for me it will be eleven o'clock instead of noon, since I'm not a big, slobbering dumbass like you are." This often leads to interesting conversations about time and discussions of things such as how Daylight Savings Time affects society in general and why they are no longer going to pick me up. Which is fine with me because I didn't want to go to their dumb 4th of July party anyway. I have a dog and a cat to play with, and we have our own fun parties with pointy party hats and ice cream and off-brand fig bars, and I win all the games due to my higher intelligence level and cheating skills.

Furthermore, it may interest you to know that my dog and cat don't pay attention to Daylight Saving Time, either--hell, they never even heard of it. Yes, we could all learn a thing or two from dogs and cats. I'll bet William Willett never had a dog or a cat, or if he did he never learned anything from them. He did have a horse, though, and horses don't know a damn thing about anything. So I'm not surprised that he had his big epiphany about Daylight Saving Time while on horseback. Rick Astley wrote all of his most well-known songs while on horseback, and look what happened to him. If William Willett and Rick Astley ever went horseback riding together, they'd probably fall in love and go nuts. As for Benjamin Franklin, I don't know what kind of pets he had. By the looks of him, though, if he had a horse he'd probably eat it.

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