Wednesday, December 15, 2010


If you're like me, you remember a time when Christmas really meant something special and seemed to fill you with a warm, comforting glow if you got drunk enough. Here's my fond, fading memory of one of those special yuletide days of Christmas Past. It was way back around 2008 or thereabouts, so I may have to make up parts of it that have been lost in time...

On Christmas Eve, as per tradition, I hung my stockings by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Actually, I don't have a fireplace, so I hung my stockings in front of the fireplace of a guy down the street who has one. He was already asleep at the time so I had to break in, but I'm sure he wouldn't have minded because I waved at him once a few years ago and he waved back. And, come to think of it, they weren't really stockings, exactly. In fact, they were live chihuahuas.

Earlier, I had devised a really neat harness for hanging chihuahuas in a safe and relatively painless manner, and instead of a rope or chain, they were suspended by springs so that they would constantly bob up and down. So the more they barked and struggled to get away, the more they would bounce up and down with a funny "boing-boing" sound. One of the chihuahuas had on a little Santa hat that I had made for him, and the rest of them were wearing reindeer antlers. (These, I must admit, were store-bought, because I just couldn't get the hang of making chihuahua-sized reindeer antlers that looked realistic.) I had also made some really cool huge, bulging, googly eyeballs for them to wear like glasses, and giant froth-dripping wolf fangs that fit over their own teeth.

And to top it off, I hid a tape recorder next to them which emitted, on a continous loop, at ear-splitting volume levels, the words, "WHY have you disturbed our sleep? Awakened us from our ancient slumber? YOU WILL DIE!!! One by one we will come for you, HA HA HA, WE WILL COME FOR YOU!!!" I'm not sure how St. Nicholas reacted to this display, but I saw an ambulance pull up at the house later on and take my neighbor away. I sure hope they had eggnog for him at the hospital, because Christmas without eggnog is like the Fourth of July without blowing up someone's car with a home-made pipe bomb or Halloween without chopping down telephone poles.

New Year's Eve was pretty fun, too. I invited a bunch of people over to my house and then went to the movies. While I was there I called the police and told them I was my neighbor and that I could see a bunch of people in my house while I wasn't at home, and the police came and arrested them all. I would've felt bad about doing this except that in my town, anyone who is in jail on New Year's Eve gets a free Dixie cup of Mountain Dew and a popcorn ball. And later on, I admitted to my friends what I had done and that it had all just been a funny, good-natured joke, and we all had a good laugh about it while they were beating me with baseball bats and setting fire to my priceless record collection.

(originally posted at

No comments: