PORFLE PRESENTS: EVERY EPISODE OF THE ORIGINAL "STAR TREK" IN ONE SCENE

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 29.43.01:

While transporting much-needed medical supplies to planet Regula IV, which is being ravaged by a deadly plague, I've ordered the Enterprise into an uncharted sector of the galaxy in order to save time.



McCOY: "Well, Jim, the rest of the crew have had their quarterly physicals. Now are you going to come quietly, or do I have to have a security team drag you to sickbay?"



KIRK: "Not now, Bones. I...feel...we may be in danger."



SPOCK: "'Feel', Captain? Logically, your human emotions are hardly a reliable indicator of--"



CHEKOV: "Kepten, an alien wessel is approaching!"



KIRK: "On screen. Uhura, open a channel."



UHURA: "Hailing frequencies open, sir."



KIRK: "Uhura, open another channel."



UHURA: "Hailing frequencies open, sir."



SPOCK: "No response."



SULU: "All scans negative."



KIRK: "Hmmm...to be or not to be. That is the question."



SPOCK: (wry half-smile) "Shakespeare, Captain?"



KIRK: "Tactics, Mr. Spock. Do we fire phasers now...or wait. For. A. Response."



McCOY: "Blast it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a waiter!"



SPOCK: "Really, Doctor. Your emotions will be your undoing."



McCOY: "Why, you green-blooded, pointy-eared --"



KIRK: "Gentlemen. You can argue later. If. There. Is. A. 'Later.' Sulu, lock phasers on target and stand by."



SULU: "Phasers locked."



YEOMAN RAND: "Captain, I have your afternoon dietary supplement--"



KIRK: "Not now, yeoman! Meet me in my quarters at 0500 hours. Uhura, open a channel."



UHURA: "Hailing frequencies open, sir."



BEAUTIFUL ALIEN AMBASSADOR: "I love you, Kee-Urk!"



KIRK: "Not now, Empress Adora! Meet me in my quarters at 0600--"



SPOCK: "Sir, we are being held in a tractor beam."



SULU: "Hull pressure readings at 80 percent...90 percent...off the dial."



CHEKOV: "AAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"



KIRK: "Chekov! What's the matter?"



CHEKOV: "I beet my wittle tonk, Kepten!"



KIRK: "Sickbay, send a medical team to the bridge! Sulu, get us out of here!"



SULU: "Aye, Captain!"



KIRK: "No, I 'Captain.' You 'Sulu.'"



UHURA: "Captain, I'm...frightened."



SPOCK: "We can't break free. Hull temperature approaching critical levels. Warp engines super-heating."



KIRK: "Scotty! You have thirty seconds to fix those engines or we're all dead."



SCOTTY: [on intercom] "Ach, me poor bear'ns! We canna take mooch moor o' this poundin', Captoon! Me bonny ship'll explood lack a pub-crawlin' bogus frat wi' a snootful o' green --"



UHURA: "We're being hailed, Captain."



KIRK: "Open a channel."



UHURA: "Hailing frequencies open, sir."



KIRK: "Enterprise to alien vessel. Your actions are harmful to us. If you don't --"



ALIEN: "SILENCE! YOU HAVE ENCROACHED UPON OUR DOMAIN! YOUR SHIP WILL NOW BE CAPTURED AND YOUR CREW ENSLAVED!"



KIRK: "Computer...initiate self-destruct sequence."



SPOCK: "Oh, fu**."



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