Monday, December 14, 2015
PORFLE PRESENTS: "FORREST GUMP--THE NEXT DAY"
Hello. My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump. One day I was sittin' on this old tree stump down by the road right after I had put my little boy, Li'l Forrest, on the school bus to school because he was goin' to school and the school bus was goin' there too, and so I figured I might as well put him on it so that they could both go there togethah. To school, that is.
I had just been in a movie about me called FORREST GUMP and the movie ended with me a-sittin' right there on that old stump just thinkin' and ponderin' about what all had happened to me durin' my life and evah thang. And the movie had ended with me sittin' right there on that old stump, and so now here I still am. I guess it was time to end that part of my story and start another one like they do on TV when there's a commercial in between parts.
There may have been a commercial in between these parts too, I don't know. You only know about those kinds of things if you're watchin' it, not if you're bein' in it yourself. If there was a commercial I hope it was a commercial for Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, because Bubba was my best good friend and his pitcha is on evah jar of Bubba Gump Shrimp, and for a limited time only you can send in for your very own life-size Bubba ventriloquist dummeh and put on your own Bubba puppet shows.
I used to just mow the football field with my ridin' lawn mowah but now in addition to that I put on Bubba puppet shows for the children of the town of Greenbow, Alabama. But since I do both of those things at the same time, and since I'm goin' back and forth on my lawn mowah, the children have to run after me in order to keep up with what's goin' on with my Bubba puppet show.
Well, the bad thing is that the children get tired runnin' up and down the football field, followin' aftah me to keep up with the Bubba puppet show, so I kinda have to turn around and start runnin' aftah them while I'm doin' it, and that seems to scare them for some reason. Also since the motah is so loud I kinda have to scream out all the words that me and Bubba are supposed to be sayin' to each other during the show.
I don't know why little children would be scared to see me chasin' aftah them on a ridin' lawn mowah with a big ol' life-size Bubba ventriloquist dummeh on my knee and both of us screamin' at each othah at the top of our lungs, but for some curious reason it show does. Momma always said that when somethin' happens then it show does happen, and show nuff it does. That's all I have to say about that.
So ennaways I was drivin' my lawn mowah aftah some little kids who was runnin' for their lives and I was screamin' "HOWDY BUBBA, HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY" and Bubba was screamin' "OH, AHM DOIN' JESS FINE FORRES', AND HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL DIFF'RENT KINDA SHRIMPS THEY IS" and I screamed "NO BUBBA, HOW MANY IS THEY" and Bubba screamed "WELL THEY'S, UHH, SHRIMP SAM-WICH, SHRIMP PATTIES, SHRIMP COOKIES, SHRIMP 'SGHETTI, SHRIMP ICEBOX PIE, SHRIMP 'NANA SPLIT, SHRIMP SHAKES, SHRIMP ADE, SHRIMP NOG, SHRIMP EGGS BACON AND SHRIMP, SHRIMP EGGS SAUSAGE SPAM AND SHRIMP, SHRIMP SHRIMP SHRIMP SHRIMP SHRIMP AND SHRIMP..."
Well, by this time the screaming and shrieking children had all outrun me an' Bubba which was okay since I had made a wrong turn at the end of the football field and crashed through a big ol' picture window and right into the old folks' home. I couldn't stop since mah brakes had burnt out but the old folks was doin' a fine job of runnin' for their lives on their canes and walkahs and wheelchay-uhs so I just went right on ahead and started screamin' out my Bubba puppet show fuh them instead.
"...SHRIMP BRAN, SHRIMP MUSH, SHIMP 'N' PRUNES, SHRIMP-LAX..."
It was a fine day, and when I met the school bus that aftahnoon Li'l Forrest come bouncin' offa there with all kinds of stories he'd heard that day about a crazy insane psycho ridin' around on a lawn mowah just like mine and screamin' his head off at a big life-size Bubba dummeh just like mine and scarin' all the little children and the old folks half to death, and I thought "My! I shore am glad I didn't run inta that there fella."