Monday, July 8, 2013


I'm not sure exactly when furniture diving got to be so popular, or "hip", but it's certainly starting to get on my nerves. At first, people only did it in private groups and in the seclusion of secret, shameful little hideaways where neither I nor other decent people had to look at them. But now, these uncivilized hooligans are doing it all over the place like a bunch of cheese-crazed bagel thieves.

I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room a few weeks ago. There wasn't anything wrong with me--I just like the magazines. Suddenly a guy came in and started diving off the furniture. He climbed up onto a coffee table and did a swan dive right into the linoleum, face-first, as though he expected it to be a cool, refreshing pool of water. Then, bleeding profusely from a gaping head wound, he jumped right onto the arm of my chair--causing me to lose my place in an article I was reading about throbbing genital warts in the Foreign Legion--and did a double-twisting back flip. Actually, he only finished about one-and-a-half twists before crashing into a large display of "Take One" pamphlets and demolishing a potted plant.

As if that weren't enough, he then managed to drag himself up onto the receptionist's counter and was about to do some other horrible kind of dive off of it before the sheriff finally showed up and hauled him off to jail at gunpoint. I got a bunch of the guys together that night and we formed an angry mob around the jailhouse, but the sheriff came out and gave us the old speech about "law and order" and all that crap and then pointed his shotgun at me and told me I'd be the first to die if we tried to rush him, so we went home. But I was still mad.

Of course, MTV has tried to cash in on the whole thing by coming up with shows like "Furniture Diving of the Stars" and "Pimp-Dive Off My Furniture." And ESPN is doing "extreme" furniture-diving shows now, where they dive off of those big antique armoires and other highly dangerous items of furniture and often get seriously injured or even killed. That's the only good thing about those shows, ha ha, seeing these reckless idiots buy it in entertaining ways.

Just last week, Mariah Carey dove off a fancy china cabinet in her formal dining room and crashed into P. Diddy, and they both flew out a second-storey window and landed on her Lamborghini. On another show, famed jackass "Bam" Margera dove backward off his mother's priceless Victorian vanity table, landed on a skateboard, plunged screaming down three flights of stairs, and was launched headfirst into his Uncle Vito's ass while he was bending over to rip off a Deluxe Beef 'n' Bean Burrito fart. It took the fire department six hours to remove his head, the footage of which can now be seen in a rather effective anti-furniture-diving public service announcement that is currently being shown on the giant screen during most sporting events and rock concerts.

Perhaps the worst aspect of this whole heinous fad is the "Little Miss Furniture Diver" Pageant, which I totally think should be banned. It's well beyond my comprehension how these parents can subject their own innocent children to such blatant exploitation when the prize money is so low. Like, a thousand dollars or something. And to think that they're instilling in these poor tykes a sense of self-worth that is solely dependant on how cute they look diving off chairs, tables, futons, and even home entertainment modules and bunk beds. And if you ask me, Larry King and Kathie Lee Gifford should be ashamed of themselves for emceeing such a loathesome event.

Unfortunately, furniture-diving doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. Judge Judy now concludes each segment of her show by diving off her judge's bench and crashing into either the plaintive or the defendant, depending on who wins. Oprah Winfrey recently dove off the sofa during her show and landed on Tom Cruise, putting him into intensive care for six weeks. Venerable commentator Andy Rooney has been summarily fired from "60 Minutes" and replaced with Carrot Top because he refused to dive off his desk. And over on Fox News, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly now compete to see who can do the most dangerous dives off various parts of their set while perplexed guests such as John McCain and Boutros Boutros-Ghali sit ignored.

Which begs the question: will the next President of the United States be a furniture diver? What will "State of the Union" addresses look like in the future? Will presidential press conferences end with a swan dive off the podium? What will future candidates be willing to dive off of in order to win the nomination? How the hell will Batman and Robin get out of this one? Where did Fernstetter hide the lizards? Is there a small Japanese woman living in my closet? Why did I wake up next to Vince McMahon this morning?

No comments: