Monday, July 1, 2013
PORFLE'S FILM-FLAM CELEBRITY SHUT-UP
If I had been one of Quentin Tarantino's celebrated RESERVOIR DOGS, I wouldn't have been named after a stupid color like Mr. Pink or Mr. Orange. I would have been called "Mr. Shut Up." For example, in the opening scene in which they're all sitting around the breakfast table in a diner, discussing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" video...
MR. BROWN: ...and so, the reason she's singing about it being like the first time isn't because of some sweet romantic feeling she's having, but because of the fact that this guy has such a huge--
MR. SHUT UP: Oh, shut up. Madonna sucks, and anyone who likes her or even talks about her is stupid, including you. Including ALL of you. So just shut up.
MR. BROWN: (who is played by Tarantino) Who the f*** do you think you are? Hey, I WROTE this f***ing script, okay? I can say whatever the f*** I want, okay, and furthermore, I can write you as, like, a f***ing PENGUIN if I want to.
MR. SHUT UP: You better not! I'll tell Perez Hilton the truth about you!
MR. BROWN: Oh, yeah?
MR. SHUT UP: Yeah!
JOE: Toby Wong?
MR. SHUT UP: Shut up.
MR. BLONDE: Are you just gonna bark all day...little doggy...or are you gonna--
MR. SHUT UP: Shut up!
MR. PINK: Hey look, man, just because you don't personally happen to like something doesn't mean that everyone else who personally happens to like it happens to be stu--
MR. SHUT UP: Shut up! You're funny-looking.
MR. PINK: Funny-looking? How am I funny-looking?
MR. SHUT UP: Oh, just in a general sort of way.
JOE: I want the BOAT of youse to SHUT UP!
MR. SHUT UP: I don't HAVE to, and you can't MAKE me.
JOE: I said SHUT UP!
MR. SHUT UP: No, YOU shut up!
NICE GUY EDDIE: STOP TELLIN' MY DAD TO SHUT UP!
MR. SHUT UP: SHUT UP!
I'm sure you can see how the addition of me as "Mr. Shut Up" would've transformed Tarantino's slightly passable attempt at filmmaking into a genuine classic and made "shut up" a nationwide catchphrase used by millions. This, of course, would also apply to other films that just missed being great by lacking that one magic element--me--which would elevate them to classic status. Films such as THE GODFATHER:
DON CORLEONE: Bonasera...if you had come to me in friendship, these animals who injured your daughter would be suffering this very day. And then they would fear--
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: (played by me) Shut up, Dad. You've dragged this stupid Bonasera hoo-hah out for half an hour now, and it's makin' me barf. Just tell old Moustache Pete here to "shut up" and go bake some waffles or something. On second thought, tell him to "butt" up. It sounds funnier.
DON CORLEONE: Why? Why do you treat me with such disrespect? What have I--
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: Butt up, Dad.
TOM HAGEN: Sir, I've been weighing the funniness of those two terms, and it's my opinion that, in the long run, "butt up" is indeed funnier than "shut up." Maybe not now, but...ten years from now.
DON CORLEONE: What, so I'm supposed to start telling people to "butt up" now?
SONNY CORLEONE: Pop, all the other families are gettin' in on this "butt up" thing. The Barzinis, the Tattaglias...even the Cuneos, those pastafazool--
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: Butt up, Sonny.
SONNY CORLEONE: HEY, WHO YOU TELLIN' TO BUTT UP--?
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.
TOM HAGEN: So, what are we gonna do about this Sollozzo business? With that crooked police chief McCluskey watching him like a hawk, we can't get near him.
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: Here's what we do. Tom, butt up. But first, you arrange a meeting... in a restaurant, a bar... somewhere public, where he'll feel safe. It will be me, Sollozzo, and McCluskey. We sit down, order our food, and start to talk. Then, when things have settled down, they've lowered their guard, and they least expect it... I tell them both to butt up.
CONNIE CORLEONE: Papa, why are you discussing business on my wedding day? It's time to cut the cake--
CARLO: Hey, butt up, Connie.
SONNY CORLEONE: Don't you EVAH tell my sister to butt up.
LUCA BRASI: Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful dat you have invited me to your--
SHUTUPPO CORLEONE: Butt up, Luca.
LUCA BRASI: Don Corleone, I'm gonna butt up now, because I know dat you are busy.