Thursday, August 29, 2013


Once there was a cow named Jeff. 

Old Farmer Brown spent all of his worldly fortune on a giant cannon, and as soon as it was delivered, he shoved Jeff the cow into the front end of the cannon and then pointed it upward at a forty-five degree angle.  It was already packed with an enormous amount of gunpowder and the fuse was all ready to go.  So Farmer Brown struck a match on the bottom of his old work shoe and lit the fuse.  Then he scampered behind a tree, turned on the video camera he had mounted on a tripod, and stuck his fingers in his ears.

BOOM!  Was that cannon loud!  With a flash of blinding light and a cloud of smoke, Jeff the cow rocketed out of the cannon and soared high in the air above the farm, end over end, as his terrified moos reverberated thoughout the countryside.   Old Farmer Brown raised his gnarled fists into the air and croaked, "Whoopee!  Now I can sell this tape on them thar Intranets and make me a million dollars!  YEE-HAA!" 

ENDING #1:  But little did Farmer Brown suspect that "Jeff the cow" was actually an agent for the SPCA, working undercover at the farm after an anonymous tip-off had alerted the organization to Old Farmer Brown's nefarious plans.  The undercover agent, whose real name was Floyd Baxter, jettisoned his cow costume and pulled the ripcord of his parachute. 

On his way down he radioed his associates, who promptly swept down on the farm and arrested Farmer Brown, confiscating the tape.  But Old Farmer Brown had one last trick up his sleeve.  Right before they handcuffed him, he unzipped his old man suit and stepped out of it, and, to everyone's surprise, he was really Paris Hilton.

ENDING #2:  As Old Farmer Brown celebrated his good fortune, Jeff the cow continued his gradual descending arc toward the nearby town.  He flew through a flock of birds and startled them terribly.  Then he spied a building below which was growing closer and closer.  It was the Sunnyrest Old Folks' Home. 

The old folks were all gathered in the day room watching the only channel they could pick up on TV, which currently featured a black-and-white Mexican soap opera from the early 70s entitled "Simplemente Maria."  One of the old folks turned to another one of the old folks and lamented, "Boy, I sure wish something exciting would happen around here once in a while." 

One second later Jeff the cow crashed through the wall, took out the TV, and plowed through the old folks like a bowling ball crashing through tenpins.  Wheelchairs, folding chairs, and old people were scattered all over the room.  The ones who were still conscious looked up at the cow, who was staggering to its feet. 

"It''s a COW!" one of them cried in disbelief. 

"Well, not exactly..." came a human voice.  The front zipper was unzipped, the cow suit fell away, and a human being stepped out of it.  "Surprise!" he beamed, spreading his hands with a grand flourish.  It was David Hasselhoff.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The didatic nature imbibed by the schism of potential outcomes is well transmitted by the gifted author of this tale, but please: it can't really be true. David Hasselhoff would rip the seams of any cow suit, so I suspect this alternative reality ending is a fiction occurring soley in the freshly minted mind of the bard of west Texas due to above ground fracking vapours. Akin to the socially redeeming end of a pornographic movie, the fist told ending is clearly fact. Will the SPCA be selling beta max tape premiums for their fund raising, with limited edition flying cow show? This would be the beginning of the recognition of west Texas as a local cultural hub, an outcome this reviewer hopes to see.