Tuesday, August 13, 2013


(This was written before some of these celebrities died, so it is dedicated to them.)

Hey, here's me making fun of various celebrities by making up quotes by them that they never actually said but that, in a perfect world, they really would say.  It may not be all that funny, but I think you'll agree that it's a cute thing for me to do. 

GEORGE CLOONEY:  "I am Forrest Tucker's illegitimate son."

MADONNA:  "I'm so sexy, I have performed my act for caged squirrels and they have gotten sexually excited."

NICOLE KIDMAN:  "My main regret in life is that I don't have abnormally huge feet.  Oh, wait...I do have abnormally huge feet."

SYLVESTER STALLONE:  "I have never seen Neil Sedaka do a poledance in a string bikini, but I'd like to."

KATIE COURIC:  "It is now illegal for me to fart in the state of California."

TED KOPPEL:  "I was once abducted by aliens, taken to a planet in the Andromeda galaxy, and shown photographs of Burt Reynolds in a hammock."

STEVEN SEAGAL:  "I wear a hundred different pairs of underwear every day, and then I auction them all off for charity.  So far, I have raised two-hundred and eighty-five billion dollars."

OPRAH WINFREY:  "Truly, this is a 'Mike Tyson Christmas.'"

BEN AFFLECK:  "At this point, I honestly do not know whether or not I could fit a ten-speed bicycle down my pants.  Really, I just don't know."

PARIS HILTON:  "It's real easy to fool little kids into thinking you're a horse.  Just whinny a lot, and then take a big, steaming crap out in the street."

PAUL MCCARTNEY:  "Believe it or not, music is actually my second love.  My first love is collecting Steven Seagal's used underwear."

FRED DALTON THOMPSON:  "I can still bend over and touch my toes--with my scrotum."

ALANNIS MORRISETTE:  "You know what's really ironic?  The fact that somebody once drove a '57 Buick Skylark up my ass."

MARTIN SCORSESE:  "David Hasselhoff has leapt out from behind a bush and bitten me on the leg at least eleven times since 1992."

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN:  "I have in my possession indisputable scientific evidence that Roger Ebert is a werewolf."

NEIL ARMSTRONG:  "The moon landing was a hoax--Buzz Aldrin and I were really on the planet Mars."

DAKOTA FANNING:  "It's simple--just ram an ordinary number two pencil through the soft part of the throat and up into the brain, and boom, they're dead."


Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Heath Ledger.

PORFLE:  How were you cast as the Joker?

HEATH:  Well, I--

PORFLE:  Shut up.

(awkward pause)

PORFLE:  Did you enjoy working with director Christopher Nolan?

HEATH:  Yes, it was a real learning experience for me.

PORFLE:  How so?

HEATH:  Well, for one thing, Chris taught me how to tap-dance.  And he also showed me how to construct a device that can detect whether or not the person it's hooked up to knows Richard Simmons personally.

PORFLE:  Have you used the device on anyone yet?

HEATH:  I secretly used it on you just now.  The readings were inconclusive--there's a thirty-seven percent chance that you know Richard Simmons.

PORFLE:  What makes you think that you can do a better job as the Joker than Jack Nicholson?  Or even Caesar Romero?

HEATH:  Because they're stupid.  Jack Nicholson is so stupid, he washes his face with bubble gum.  And Caesar Romero is so stupid he wears an inferior brand of underwear.

PORFLE:  And you always wear the correct underwear?

HEATH:  I wear Joker underwear.  I like to immerse myself in a character in every way--that's why I'm so good.  I eat Joker sandwiches for lunch.  I drink Joker cola.  When I have sex, I only use Joker condoms. 

PORFLE:  Joker condoms?  Are they dependable?



Here is my fictitious mini-interview with actor Ben Kingsley.

PORFLE:  You've had a very distinguished career.

KINGSLEY:  Thank you.  I try to choose roles that--

PORFLE:  I didn't say it was good.  I just said it was distinguished.


PORFLE:  Didn't you play Ghandi?

KINGSLEY:  Oh yes, I did.  Probably my finest hour, that.  What a fortunate happenstance that Sir Richard Attenborough selected me to portray such a beloved--

PORFLE:  Weren't you embarrassed playing a wimpy little bald doofus in a bedsheet?

KINGSLEY:  (visibly perturbed) I most certainly was not.  Ghandi was an enormously inspiring and influential historical figure, whose philosophy of peaceful resistance was a major turning point in--

PORFLE:  Did you just fart?

KINGSLEY:  What?  Of course not.

PORFLE:  This "Sir Richard Attenborough" guy is pretty short.  Did you ever call him "Little Dick"?  You know, just for laughs?

KINGSLEY:  Certainly not.  His stature as a filmmaker and as a human being was one which demanded respect, which I, accordingly, was diligent to bestow upon him in our daily affairs--

PORFLE:  You had an AFFAIR with him?

KINGSLEY:  NO!  Our relationship was of the strictest professional--

PORFLE:  Blah, blah, whatever.  You were in a movie with Sigourney Weaver called DEATH AND THE MAIDEN. 

KINGSLEY:  That's correct.

PORFLE:  Did you ever get into a fistfight with her?

KINGSLEY:  What?  No.  That's absurd.

PORFLE:  She could probably take you.  In fact, I think Sigourney Weaver could probably kick your ass.

KINGSLEY:  That doesn't have anything to do with anything.  This is the most pointless interview I've ever--

PORFLE:  No kidding, you just farted, didn't you?


PORFLE:  Let's move on to SCHINDLER'S LIST.  That was a very, very important role for you.

KINGSLEY:  It certainly was.  And one which I took extremely seriously. 

PORFLE:  What was it like, doing a sequel to a Jerry Lewis movie?

KINGSLEY:  I beg your pardon?

PORFLE:  Well, wasn't it a sequel to THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED? 

KINGSLEY:  Oh.  Oh, no.  Oh, my god, no. 

PORFLE:  Did you ever get into a fistfight with Ralph Fiennes?

KINGSLEY:  No, I did not.

PORFLE:  How about Spielberg?  You could probably take him if you managed to get in a good swift kick in the balls right off the bat.

KINGSLEY:  Are you insane? 

PORFLE:  I'm asking the questions here, Big Nose.  Now, you just appeared in a movie called THE LAST LEGION, in which you play Merlin the sorcerer.  What's it like finally hitting rock bottom?

KINGSLEY:  I have NOT hit rock bottom!  It's a very good role in a fine production!

PORFLE:  No, it isn't.  Who haven't you worked with that you would like to work with?

KINGSLEY:  Well, I'd really like to do a movie with--

PORFLE:  Wrong.  The correct answer is "Hulk Hogan." 

KINGSLEY:  I was going to say Vanessa Redgrave.

PORFLE:  No, you weren't.  You were going to say Carrot Top.

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