Tuesday, August 20, 2013
PORFLE PRESENTS: DOG MAN!!!
So many of the other animals and even insects have been represented by superheroes -- Batman, Catwoman, Spiderman, Wolverine, The Tick, etc. -- but to my knowledge, there has never been a Dog Man. Why not?
Do super-heroes have some unspoken understanding amongst themselves to never, as Oprah would say, "go there"? Was there a Dog Man at some time in the distant past who was such a great superhero that when he finally quit, they retired his name? Or is it just that, for some reason, the name "Dog Man" sounds sort of dumb?
If there truly were a Dog Man, he would have several positive traits that would make him an exemplary superhero. He would be able to "sniff out" criminals and track them down right to their secret lairs. He would be able to mark the entire city as his territory, as if to say: "Evildoers--stay out!" He would be loyal and faithful. And he would be your best friend.
Is Batman your best friend? No, he's Superman's best friend. Is Superman your best friend? No, he's Jimmy Olsen's best friend. Basically, we're all just nameless "citizens" to them. But Dog Man? He would love us all unconditionally and jump up and down in paroxysms of unrestrained joy every time he saw us. In fact, unlike most superheroes, Dog Man would actually lick us!
Dog Man would have lots of really cool weapons and other crimefighting devices, such as the Dog-a-rang and the Dogmobile. Batman has his crummy old Batcave; Dog Man's base of operations would be the fabulous Dog House. And he would replenish his amazing dog powers every day by eating a big bowl of radioactive Gravy Train.
A Milk-Bone flavor snack, also bathed in nourishing radiation, would serve as a quick pick-me-up for the Canine Crusader before going into battle against some super-criminal's henchmen. And everyday citizens would know that they were being protected by the incredible Dog Man whenever they looked up at the night sky and saw the awe-inspiring Dog Signal beckoning their hero to City Hall.
Since those who deal in crime are basically a cowardly lot, Dog Man's bark itself would be enough to strike fear into their black hearts. His growl alone would cause them to wet their pants. The mere sight of the mysterious dog shadow sweeping across a wall would send them fleeing in terror, as would the unmistakable aroma of Dog Man's distinctive, musky dog smell as he marked his territory in the name of justice.
Honest, law-abiding citizens, on the other hand, would react to such indications by proudly proclaiming: "I love the smell of Dog Man in the morning!"